I Didn't Think I'd Have to Book It
Day 27 of the Flash Fiction Month 2023! In collaboration with Damon Wakes!
“Why is he looking at me like that?”
“He's probably pissed we had to walk all the way across the woods for the sacrifice.”
“How was I supposed to know there was a booking system for the woods?” Asked Barney. “Did you expect Friday to be a busy night for human sacrifices?”
Lisa rolled her eyes. “It makes sense if you think about it.”
“Lisa!”
“All right, all right.”
“I don't like the way he looks at me.”
“We're about to gut him and leave him bleed to death on a dirty rock. I'd be mildly annoyed too.”
“But he's not.”
Lisa glanced back at their prisoner, who was following them as if he'd been a lost tourist who'd just joined a random queue.
Behind him, Janet's face had turned a sick tinge of blue.
“Janet, remember to breathe,” Lisa reminded her.
“Right,” said Janet, inhaling noisily and coughing.
Barney raised an eyebrow. “What's wrong with her?”
“We went to a party yesterday. She licked a frog.”
“And?”
“And now her basic metabolic functions are conscious activities. You know, breathing, making your heart beat, these things.”
“Are you serious? She's going to be useless. We're doomed.”
“She's going to be focused on surviving, that's all. You and I can perform the sacrifice.”
“Yes, right. We've been fabulous so far.” He scratched his head, dropping his shoulders. “I wonder what's waiting for us at the rock.”
“Nothing's waiting for us at the rock!” Lisa said. “Stay positive. All we need to do is get there and trick Satan.”
“Ohhhhhhhhhhh!” said Satan, emerging from a nearby bush. “I know I didn’t just hear what I think I just heard!”
Janet blinked in surprise: first one eye, then the other. Like a lizard. “Uh—” She took a sudden, gulping breath. “...oh.”
“Aaaa—ah!” Lisa gave the best smile she could manage under the circumstances. “Satan! Father of lies! Son of perdition! Prince of the power of the air! All…round…really bad dude?”
Sensing that the conversation was getting away from her, Barney stepped in. “How you doin’?”
It somehow didn’t feel as though he was helping matters.
“Not great,” said Satan, baring his teeth. “The boiler’s on the fritz and the guy who was coming to fix it was supposed to arrive between eight and ten pm. But when are they ever on time?”
“When hell freezes over, right?” Barney gave the prince of darkness a cheeky wink.
“That’s precisely the problem!” Satan snapped. “Or it’s precisely half the problem. The other half is that I’m stuck up here while some gas engineer is probably shoving a ‘Sorry you were out’ message through my letterbox. But please. By all means beg me for whatever frivolous mortal nonsense you’re after. You did bring a sacrifice, didn’t you?”
“Yepperoonie!” said Lisa, shoving him forwards. She wasn’t sure where that word came from, but Satan didn’t say anything so she decided not to draw any further attention to it.
Satan regarded the sacrifice, who was looking around with an absent-minded smile.
“What’s up with this guy?” asked Satan, eventually. “Is he…” He mimed smoking a great big doobie, exhaling, and getting all impressed with the world: “Whoooaah…”
“I don’t…think so?” said Lisa, taking a closer look at the guy herself. It certainly would explain a lot. “Are you high?”
“Just high on life!” He put out a hand for Satan to shake. “Hi, I’m Chris. It’s so good to meet you! All of you. And just to be out in the woods on such a nice night.”
Satan accepted the handshake. “I’m Satan…which I think should have been obvious. She already said my name, and…” he gestured to his red, horned, hooved self with his free hand. “Anyway. Let’s get you to the sacrificial rock so you can get disembowelled and these folks can get…”
“I want to be really good at the guitar,” said Lisa.
“I’ve got a ton of parking tickets I want rid of,” explained Barney.
“More frogs!” gasped Janet, while simultaneously continuing to breathe and circulate blood in an impressive display of multitasking.
“Sounds good!” Chris beamed.
“Getting strapped to a rock and eviscerated sounds good to you?” Lisa raised an eyebrow.
“Well…” Chris shrugged. “It’s something new to try.”
They trudged the last fraction of a mile to the sacrificial rock, where a bunch of people in hooded robes and Eyes Wide Shut masks were already preparing to stab a virgin.
They turned to stare at Satan and his followers.
“I thought we had the eleven thirty slot?” asked the one with the dagger, checking his watch.
Satan fixed his eyes on Barney, face a mask of raw, primal fury. “You didn’t book the rock?” he growled.
“Uhhhhh…” Barney raised a finger, as if he had any point to make.
Just then, Satan’s phone pinged.
He took it from his pocket and squinted at the screen. “And now the boiler guy shows up!!!”
Barney, Lisa, Chris, and to a certain extent Janet all watched as Satan gradually began to tremble, his fury simmering just like his central heating, presumably, wasn’t. Yet when the prince of darkness spoke again, his voice was quiet.
“You know what?” he said, regarding each of the group in turn. “It wasn’t supposed to happen for six thousand years, but screw it. I’m starting the apocalypse. This is because of you. All of you.” His eyes narrowed. “But especially Chris.”
There was a deep rumble as the earth was rent open and hideous demons emerged from the cracks. One of them tore an Eyes Wide Shut guy in half and began flailing the two halves around like a glowstick-wielding raver.
Lisa took the opportunity to run. So did everybody else.
“Well, this has been a pleasant evening!” Chris smiled as he sprinted along next to her.
“How, Chris?” she demanded. “In what way has any of this been pleasant?”
He thought about it for a moment, then shrugged.
“Just nice to make an impression, is all.”
Prompt: Collaboration Conundrums
Element 1: Pick a partner (or more than 1) for today’s writing challenge.
Element 2: Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong. This is going to be a story full of disaster.
Element 3: Glass half full or glass half empty? You must include a character who either responds optimistically to all the disasters or one who was despondent from the start
For this challenge, I wrote the first part of the story, up until Satan’s appearance. After that, Damon Wakes took over. He is a veteran of Flash Fiction, and you should definitely check his blog and his games.